Master Homis’ Domain

How to start this post…hmmm. Well a bit of history about myself is necessary to follow the occurrence of my major fuck up last night. I have always been an alcoholic. I also have a history of major drug abuse, depression, abusive relationships, etc. My oldest daughter was abused by her biological father and I strive diligently to get her the help she needs emotional and mentally to overcome what she went through. In doing so, I have pushed all of my issues aside blinding myself in a world of denial and never listening to the reasoning in the fact that you cannot help others without helping yourself.

So recently, right before Master Homis and I started this great adventure into BDSM and D/s relations, I began seeing a psychiatrist and was placed on medication for PTSD and inability to sleep due to night terrors. I decreased my drinking (as this had become my self-medication to sleep at night; a few glasses of wine and I was good to go; to fall asleep anyway). Master Homis and I discussed my need to control my drinking or quit it entirely (which I know deep down will never happen). The only issue for me was there was never an actual set rule for this; just the vague rule regarding needing permission to drink. I did really well for a while, had just a few glasses of wine or a few beers. And then shit went down last night.

I did taxes online and was getting really frustrated because I have number dyslexia. I hated having to ask Master Homis to keep checking the numbers. I wanted the damn taxes over with and wanted time with Master Homis. Weekends go by so quick, especially having 2 kids to run around and I really just wanted to chill. Master Homis had bought a few energy drinks containing alcohol and a box of wine that we figured would last through the week. I drank energy drinks while doing taxes trying to wake up for some play time. I then began to sip wine when I was nearing completion of the taxes.

Taxes were over and I was feeling naughty. Master Homis commented a few times about a look in my eye. I became overwhelmed with a desire to defy Master Homis. He had been working on knots to practice tying me up and I really wanted to be tied up. For some reason though, when he tied each of my wrists leaving extra rope to attach somewhere and told me to use the bathroom while I could, I cut the extra rope off just to fuck with him and get negative attention. Instead of getting some naughty negative attention, I had really and truely pissed him off. When I realized what a bitchy thing I had done as he had been working so hard on learning this something snapped in me.

This is the major fuck up I go through. It usually happens about once a month but has decreased since my medication was changed and since we began our D/s adventures and Master has been more controlling with me. Basically, it all starts when I do something that crosses the line and I never look back. I become completely evil, beg for pain and chaos, destroy things, and have no regard for any one’s emotions. Last night I snapped and demanded more to drink. I kept sneaking wine behind Master Homis’ back and I was being a down right cunt. I drank almost the entire box. I recall trying to defy him and piss him off and then I recall nothing else after this.

I woke up in bed at 11:30 freaking out about not being at work or have gotten the kids to school. Master Homis reassured me that he had gotten up and brought the kids to school and emailed my boss that I was not feeling well (grr- feeling shitty for making my Master have to do this shit on his day off). I then look over and see his laptop sitting completely mangled on the dresser and he proceeds to tell me all the events of the night that I have no recollection of. I busted his laptop because he got upset at me for placing my feet on the screen. I threw wine glasses across the room. I punch him and screamed at him. Apparently at some point I realized what I was doing and begged him to punish me. He used the riding crop on my ass and back. I screamed at him to be hateful back and begged that he gave me what I deserved. By the time he finished; he was in tears from the amount of times I made him whip me (I would not let up and kept begging more and more)and the riding crop was broken.

Now I am feeling like shit. I hurt my Master and destroyed his property. I have been a very, very bad slave. I was selfish and not looking out for what my Master needed but instead focusing on my own insecurities in wanting attention. Master says I need to replace his laptop with tax return money. This does make me feel a bit better to know I can replace this for him soon, however I cannot fix my disrespect and stress I caused my Master, nor the harm I caused to myself as Master Homis’ property. I need to stop this whirlwind of depression. I need to analyze what I have to work on to be a better slave and wife to Master Homis. He is so good to me and the kids- even after my escapade; he took care of me and was focused on me being OK and not with anything I had done.

In closing, my public apology goes out to my Master for my unacceptable behaviors last night. I love you and beg for your control over me as your slave in every way. I realize that I have an attitude problem and with my personality this is not easy. I ask that you, Master Homis, please help me by limiting my alcohol intake and cutting me off if you see the fiery look in my eye that occurs hours before I am even drunk and always results in these blow ups. In return, I will ensure your laptop is replaced and finish cleaning the dungeon. I will also work on not defying your limits and not sneaking alcohol behind your back. If putting these actions into place do not help; please consider putting me into a rehabilitation program. I will follow up with my psychiatrist as well. I love our adventures so much and cannot live with my actions destroying what we have- it is so special and so fantastic and I am so very lucky.

~Viemoira

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This entry was posted on Monday, January 28th, 2008 at 9:56 pm and is filed under Lessons, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.