Justification? / Protection? / Understanding…Cont’d
This one is serious - so if you want sexy then see below…
When i thought “continued”; i did not so for the particular subject matter in this particular post, but that the original post had much meaning and bearing and would certainly be a continued topic….
This post is of pain; both physical and emotional. The Justification of pain; the protection of one’s own good provided with certain pains, and the understanding of the above…
This post deals with the humbling nature of becoming a submissive / slave. The facts of personality; of one who is in fact an overbearing, over expecting, over achieving, overly compulsive and dominant personality altogether deciding to truly give into the the struggle of the slave deep within her. This is me; this is my battle.
We started in January and you can read back into the archives to get more information on our beginnings but there would still be so much that you would not know, not comprehend, not help but be judgmental toward; perhaps. Master’s previous jobs in dealing drugs; my previous and ongoing battles of many addictions. The past relationships we have both experienced; the pain of being hurt in situations of true love, my children, the family issues, etc…
Whatever…Master says “whatever” is a word used by the uneducated because they have nothing better to say. i humbly disagree as i feel it is sometimes used as a “cop-out” for those of us who feel too overly educated and overly emotional to deal with putting into concrete words and thoughts the horrid things that go on in our society (obviously not an optimist by nature am i?)…
Yep, whatever…for now i will focus on a post that may make sense and may not…
Once upon a time…a child who should have been a child was much too busy to be a child because she was so counted on; with one parent an addict and another an enabler it was far too crazy to imagine playing with toys or imagining things when one must be aware of ways to sneak out of the house from any given room in an efficient manor to call the police if one’s parent was in the process of being killed by one’s other parent.
And so there became…the addicted, abusive parent died; leaving the enabling abused to remain. The child spends time caring for their sibling as the abused goes through emotional anguish of depression and regret as well as physical illnesses which are both hereditary and set on by stress. The child ensures the sibling’s well being which is all the better because the child has already spent too much time being the adult and caring for others and is shunned by the other kids by now.
The choice…the child grew up and the raising and enlightenment of life continued as she learned the hard way; in every way. And then became the choice one until this day she thought was between the simplicity of be the ass or be the destroyed. Time went by and the people within society; those judgemental and ignorant (majority of the population) made the decision easily to become the ass. For hurting and having no emotion back would be the ultimate way of survival…
Until this day when she realized…the abuser died, the one who brought pain (not that of chosen pain but that of simply abuse)…he is not stronger. He is simply dead.
And on the child struggles as an adult…as a survivor and independently raised woman she must remain strong and unbroken. She must show no fear, no coward es, no emotion. Being by nature caring, over-emotional, fearful, real, she knew the easiest way was to focus on the addictions to anything that would contribute to altering the true person inside; drugs, alcohol, sex, etc…
On to reality…many years have past and she completed her circle of finding an abuser much like what she knew of the norm and he was just that; an abuser and a coward. She has his child while still the child that she never knew how to be. When he brings the abuse to their child she realizes the poor choices made and gets to safety and moves on. Onto the next relationship; one with a man who by far is the opposite of before.
9 years and counting…He never speaks for he is too deeply depressed himself. He self medicates therefore he will not come back on her if her previous addictions come forth. He has no backbone and would never dare raise a hand because he is not there; he’s simply not there. He accepts the child as his own but only until the child acts up due to the abuse the child experienced and then it is all left on her to deal with as the mom. But he wants a child of his own and so…
The next generation of abandonment…once the child they have together is born all is different. He no longer accepts the previous child as she is but as a nuisance. The mother watches her prior abused child as the child is abandoned once more and remembers the feeling losing her own biological father to no fucking backbone disease and her step father to death. And she cries for her and she dies for her and she begs to take the pain away from her but she cannot because that pain is what makes us who we are.
Finally working to peace and surrender…she meets Him and He is God to her. He is all knowing, all accepting, all caring, all forgiving, all expecting, all appreciating, all considering. And her children become His; neither to be loved more or less and this is a hard and painful lesson for her - for this is not real. And he accepts her for her problems and her struggles and this is even more painful because she knows how much of a cunt she can be to Him…for she takes it all out on Him
And He hits her…sometimes during play, sometimes during punishment, and sometimes when she damn straight deserves it because He will make her surrender and He will make her understand; most importantly He will make her see that she agreed to this and said she wanted this and He will help her re-identify with her true self before she was destroyed. He will make her feel as though she is a confused child, He will push her beyond the defiance she felt as a teen, and He will wake her up to her womanhood. All the while He will continue to show the difference from abusive pain because He loves her and she truly cannot argue that it is not deserved.
The justification of pain; is as hard for me to understand as many of you readers but if i put it into perspective as to something i need to survive; yes i need it because without it i simply would not feel alive.
The protection of pain; i have some major fucking issues to be quite blunt and any man that can shock me with a “slap across the face” per say when i deserve it is in my hero because in the few times with Master that this has occurred it HAS BEEN WARRANTED…
The understanding of pain; well…i think it is different for all of us; but for me it is pretty simply…pain humbles me and i’ve already lived with the overbearing ass trying to beat me until “the cows come home” as well as the “i’m not fucking here right now but i’d like to return your call” while standing 6 inches away from me because he was the aloof type; i need my Master….
i need my Master…
This post was inspired by my recent mishaps of my own, by kaya from Under His Hand, and by the website from kaya’s post; Humbled Females (actually a particular post of their’s caught my eye).
~vie
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June 8th, 2008 at 9:58 am
This was a really powerful post, vie. I can only imagine how much of your heart went into writing it. I do know how hard it is to strip your soul, (try to) put it in words and lay it all for anyone to see. I applaud you for doing so.
“yes i need it because without it i simply would not feel alive.”
I think you and I are very similar in this. It is a need, and it was created however it was created and it just doesn’t *matter* the how or the why - it is what it is. We need it - to live.
Hugs.
June 8th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
VERY powerful post. And well written. I could feel your heart being poured into your words and your descriptions. It’s amazing how we heal and what helps us heal when we leave abusive childhoods/relationships and try to become ‘us’.
*hugs*
June 22nd, 2008 at 4:01 am
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