Late Night Stream of Thought…
![[22.365] sphere-itize me, captain](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3109/2550349404_3251282109_t.jpg)
photo credit: Demi-Brooke | photojournalI don’t honestly know what is going to happen, on one side we work things out, on the other she and I move on. That’s all up to her at this point, I’m willing to continue showing her my love, but I don’t know that she wants it.
At this point, I have no say, it’s up to her, she can have the long and drawn out divorce that she seems to be pushing for, or she can accept that she needs help and try to get through the rough times, accept me for who I am, up to her to make that choice. I’ll do what I need to do to get help on my end, but that’s all I can do. I don’t know what she want’s at this point. While I was “master” I had no control, I most certainly have none now. I love her and our family, but I’m pretty sure she would rather just assume I was dead at this point, I was too vocal to be her ex-husband, and not brutal enough to be the man before him.
I’m not entirely sure what she expected of me, I wish I knew when we first met, perhaps that would have given me a chance to prepare for it, or on the other hand given her a chance to move on past me. I loved the woman I met, the woman I spent so much time talking to, but it seems like that isn’t the woman I know (of?) now. I met up with her, got to know her (I thought) and decided I wanted to spend my life with her. I stuck around for all the hard times that had occurred before when everyone else would have left (from what I was told), I laughed at all those that said I was wrong, pointed out the good in her heart and soul.
I was convinced that I could show her a new way, show her what real love was. Not the kind that was bought with cocaine, money, or sex, but rather the real deal. Things had gotten rough between her and I and in the end when she would say I was just going to leave her, I pointed out my vision of us in a nursing home 60 years from now, I thought that I could change a person, make things better, I was wrong. Instead what really changed was me, I jumped onto the BDSM thing thinking it was insane, I thought it was only for a certain scary folk. I went along with it for her and then learned after that it wasn’t what the media made it out to be.
I also learned that the whole “scene” wouldn’t change a person, at least not completely, we did both change, but it never fixed the issues that we had before we got into it. instead I think it only made the issue more difficult to deal with, she had expectations of me that neither I or anyone else could fulfill (my opinion), and for me I had hopes that I would be able to control the situation. I had no training, no clue how to be the “master” that she wanted. I tried and tried to be that guy, but never seemed to get it right. At times I felt like, “why bother? she won’t listen anyway” at other times I demanded and expected her to listen as if I were a drill sargeant. particularly when things started going south.
Well, I’m about done for the moment, people have asked a number of questions over the past few days, perhaps this answered some of them. I’m sure some people will hate what I had to say, while others may love it. In the end it’s nothing more than my point of view, which regardless of what anyone thinks, it’s what I saw, what I felt. This all started again as nothing more than a comment and instead became a stream of thought, seems like that’s how my best writing occurs.
Till next time…
-Homis
| 3.2 |
June 29th, 2008 at 3:01 am
Sounds like you have a lot to work through, no matter the direction that you two choose to take. Here’s hoping that it runs as smoothly as possible.